


Through the fire

by Taaya



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M, Teaching, Wedding, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-01 13:10:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 10,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8625673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taaya/pseuds/Taaya
Summary: It took Lily way too many years to figure out that she can't live without Severus. But now that he's a Death Eater, is it to late to save him and what is left of their feelings?





	1. Save

**Author's Note:**

> Right now this is a work in progress. I'm not sure where it'll lead and not sure how long it'll take. I DO value every constructive criticism, both on my language skills (not native english) and on my story telling. 
> 
> (And if I got facts wrong because I didn't remember them correctly, please do tell me. I'm always annoyed when I read others getting it wrong, so I don't want to annoy others myself more than I have to ;) )

Severus stared back to where Lily just left, not willing to listen to him explain. He sighed heavily. Maybe it was better this way, for her at least. Now his fellow Slytherins had nothing they could notice anymore, so Severus would not have to fear anymore, that one day they might end up not just calling her nasty names - even worse then his ‘mudblood’ -, but actually hurting her, physically. She never saw the danger that came along with their friendship, did she? He never told her how badly some of his house mates treated him when they thought he might take interest in talking to her. Never told her how Mulciber broke his nose the one night when he saw Severus talking to Lily. 

 

It got better in time, sure. When they noticed his talent for Dark Arts they figured it would be useful to have him in their little gang, but friends? No, they’ve never been friends. He just found protection among them. Protection against themselves, but also protection against Potter and his friends.

 

The Slytherin boy turned to go, his shoulders and head hanging. Yes, it was better this way. Lily was not in danger anymore, now that their friendship ended. The Slytherins would leave her alone, just saying a few mean things. And Potter? If he ever found out, that Lily and Severus were friends, would he have treated her like dirt as well? Make her life a living hell? Well, now she was save. And he was alone. Nobody left to turn to but those he hated, those he only turned to, so that they would not hurt and bully him as well. But he had nowhere else to go. A human being could not survive on it’s own.


	2. Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Lily's and James' wedding day ...

Lily looked into the mirror. Her white dress looked beautiful, but she felt more like crying. Was that really what she wanted? 

 

Back when she started dating James, she hated him. He was disgusting, in the way he treated other people, he broke the rules just for fun and was the most arrogant dick she ever met. And still she said yes when he asked her out, knowing that it would hurt Severus, maybe even more than he hurt her when he called her mudblood. 

 

It was never meant to last. It was meant as a childish revenge. But then ... He made her laugh. James still was an overgrown manchild, not knowing when to stop. Still arrogant. But he tried very hard to make her happy, to be the best boyfriend he could be. And so she got used to having him around. Their relationship made her feel comfortable and she even said yes when he proposed. What else could she hope for in life? Love? No, she didn’t love James, but it was as close as she could get, without having … No, she was not going to think about him, not on her wedding day. 

 

She swallowed hard, her gaze dropped to the ground and when she looked back up in the mirror, Lily saw James standing behind her. He always knew she didn’t love him, he always could tell and she never said those three words. But it had always been enough. He always thought he could love her enough for two. But now, seeing her watery eyes, he knew he was wrong. 

 

James stepped close to her, laid his arms around her waist and kissed her neck. “Go to him, Lily. This is not what you want, right? You want him. He’s a bloody Death Eater, and I hate him, I really do. But you love him. I don’t know, if he would want to see you, I don’t know what will happen. But I know you would never forgive yourself if you don’t try. And in the end you would hate me because you might give up your one true love for me. I don’t want that.” 

 

His eyes showed how much it hurt the young man, but he let her go. First physically, then emotionally. “Go. Get your snake, Lils. I just hope you can save him. For your sake.”


	3. Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A glimpse at Severus' life as Death Eater

The years didn’t treat Severus kindly. He grew even paler, his eyes got hard and his soul? He himself would swear that he lost his soul, the day Lily dumped him. Sold to the devil so that he would not be alone.   
His whole life was just a big, stinking lie right now. His so called friends and fellow Death Eaters could never know that he was just a half blood, and what was even worse was, that he did not hate muggles. Or muggle borns. In fact he hated most pure bloods, but he did not know what to do. If he let his facade slip just for a second, he’d be dead. He had nowhere to go, nobody who could protect him if he ever changed sides. So he carried on, trying not to get noticed too much. 

 

As he was the potions master in the Dark Lords little army, at least he got away without torturing or killing anybody. His job was to stay at home and provide them with poison, polyjuice potion and everything else they might find helpful. This way Severus could lie to himself, could tell himself that he didn’t do bad things, that he was not a criminal. Not guilty of all those murders committed by his fellows. But that didn’t make his life worth living, did it? 

 

He still was here, in his dark, mouldy home in a poor muggle neighbourhood. The place, where his mother left him when he was a child. The place in which his father hit him, whenever he was drunk, and in later years even did worse things. Now it was all his, after Tobias drank himself to death, but still Severus slept in his old, dirty childhood room, on a single mattress, haunted by the past, not even daring to set foot into his father’s old room. 

 

Nothing had changed, really, had it? Nothing got better. And still, there was one single silver lining to it: Lily was safe. Happy. Marrying Potter today, for that matter. Not exactly what he had wished for, but as long as she was happy, that was worth spending his life in hell for.

 

A knock woke him from his thoughts and Severus went to the door, grumbling that he hated to be distracted. But when he opened the door, all he could do was to stare at the woman in her wedding dress.


	4. Thickhead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily's revelation

Lily’s heart beated so hard she could swear it was about to jump out of her chest when she saw Severus. All she wanted was to pull him into her arms and kiss him until her lungs felt as if they would explode. But he still was a Death Eater. And the young witch was not sure if he ever saw more in her than just a good friend. Or a nasty mudblood. 

 

“Are you travelling around to drag everyone to your wedding? In this case I never got an invitation and I will not come to watch you marry such a swine”, Severus said, his voice cold, although it hurt seeing her. Especially like this, about to marry his worst enemy. She was more beautiful than ever 

 

“What?” Lily was confused first until she looked down on herself. She was still in her wedding dress, of course. She never took the time to change. “Oh. No, sorry, the wedding is off”, she said, biting her lip afterwards, unsure how to start. “I …” 

 

“Did that guy cheat on you? Let me guess. It was the bridesmaid”, the Death Eater interrupted her. 

 

“No. I .. cheated on him. Somehow. Not really. But … Look, can I come in for a sec?” 

 

Severus shrugged. “As if I were ever able to stop you from getting what you wanted”, he said, stepping out of the way, letting her in. He closed the door behind her and led the way into his living room. “It’s still as dusty as ever”, he said, not really apologetic, but not in a harsh tone either. 

 

Lily looked around and sighed. It still looked like it did when they were children. Like it was the scenery of a horror movie, dark, dusty. as if there could be a corpse hidden under the sofa cushions. Still she sat down. 

 

“Severus, do you want to kill me?”, she asked, provocative, to see how her former friend thought today. “I’m here. A mudblood. Go on, kill me.” 

 

He frowned. “Are you out of your mind? Just because you cheated on your fiance? I will not support you in committing suicide.” 

 

She laughed, but it sounded bitter. “So no Death Eater in your heart then, right? Should you not kill people like me whenever you have the possibility? Whenever you can get away with it? Come on, no one could blame you. I forced you to let me into your house, it’s just self defense. No one would doubt it.” 

 

With a sigh Severus sat down and looked at her, his eyes now calm. “I do not kill. I don’t torture, all I do is brew potions. What is your point? Get to it so I can keep on working.” 

 

“That is exactly my point, Severus. You’re not one of them. You’ve never been evil. You made a few stupid mistakes, you hurt people because they provoked you, sure, but if you were a true Death Eater you should not let me live. And still you can’t kill me. That’s all I wanted to know.” 

 

“Right. So can I show you the way to the door so you can finally leave me alone?”, Severus asked, not getting what all that had to do with her cancelling her wedding. Why would that be so important that she came here still wearing her dress? 

 

Lily had no intention from getting up from the sofa. It was now or never. She would never have to see him again, right? Okay, one deep breath and then .. “Sometimes you with your brilliant mind are so thick! I come here, just dumped James, told you I kinda cheated. I don’t cry. Do you see me crying? I’m not here to die. I’m not desperate or frustrated.” Well, frustrated maybe. “I’m here because of you. I did not marry him because of you. So now go ahead and tell me how you could never love something as dirty as a mudblood or come over here and let us find a way to be happy.” In the end she almost yelled at him. But how could anyone be that stupid?


	5. Always

Severus just stared at her for what felt like eternities. It took ages to compute what she just said and even when he finally did, it was hard to believe. But it was even harder to figure out what to do now. He wanted to kiss her, with all the desperation of years of waiting for it. But what if he sucked? He had never kissed anyone before and had no practical experience. So he just sat down next to her, taking her hand. 

 

“Lily. Lils. I … I’m still a Death Eater. You can’t just quit membership. If I ever told the Dark Lord that I do not want to work for him any further, I will not even live long enough to say sorry. All I could do is run and hide but you don’t want a life as a refugee, do you?”, he said, his voice now soft, pleading. If only she could go, if only she could take the memory of her words with her, so that he’d never know what he’d be missing. 

 

“Do you love me?”, was all Lily asked and Severus nodded. “Of course. Always did, always will. Didn’t you know? Did you really not know how much I longed for you, all those years?” 

 

Her warm hand found its place on his cheek and she rested her forehead against his. “We’re both stupid. But ...Severus, why? Why did you hurt me that much back then? If you loved me, why …” 

 

He knew she never understood his reasons. But it was still strange to hear it out loud. “I tried to save both of us. They could not know I like you, not anymore. A mudblood - sorry - bewitching a possible future Death Eater? You’d have been a danger to their plans. And I would have been the traitor. They would have … I don’t know what they would have done to us, but it would have been bad. And when Potter made me hang upside down in the air, they were watching. When you stood up for me, they watched. I had to make them think I hate you. And when you would not let me explain it afterwards … I thought it was for the best. I would not have to worry about your safety anymore. Who cares about what’s happening to me? All I wanted was for you to live a good life.” 

 

Lily’s eyes got wet and when Severus finished she openly cried. She’d been such an idiot. “And I always thought you actually … started thinking like them. Thinking, I’d be not worth your time.” 

 

He pulled her close, pulling her onto his lap, but just so he could hug her as tight as possible. “I’m not worth your time and I always knew that. But I always adored you, Lily. I always loved you. I never meant to insult you.” 

 

“Oh, shut up”, she said, with a said smile. “You always thought bad about yourself. But I think you're the most wonderful, beautiful person in the world. Well, you should go out into the sun every few days. And sleeping might suit you, too. But still…” She chuckled and pressed a short kiss onto his lips.

 

His eyes grew larger and his fingers moved to where she’d kissed him, absent-mindedly touching his lips.

 

“You look as if this was your first k… Merlin, this WAS your first kiss, right?” 

 

Severus nodded, blushing. “Always”, he said once more and Lily blushed herself. Her poor Severus, missing out on so much just because of her. 

 

“I’m so sorry. All those years … And you never even found anyone to keep you warm at night. I should have been there.”

 

“No. You shouldn't have.” Severus found the strength to talk again. “And you should not be here now either. I’m the enemy. And I can't give you what you deserve. It's probably too late to go back to James, but please find yourself a good man to keep you safe. I can't risk your life. I can't be yours.”

 

Lily sighed. “We will find a way. I won't give you up ever again. I’d keep us secret, if that's enough. I’d flee with you till the end of the world, if necessary. But I'd much rather free you, fight your master with you. We’ll find a way!” She took his hand and squeezed it. “Always”


	6. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are decisions to be made.

Severus had made her a hot tea and gave her something to change. Not that she wouldn't look stunning in her dress, but one was not supposed to see one’s beloved in a wedding dress until the wedding itself, right? And to make it to that day, they first had to stay alive. 

 

Lily looked a bit strange in his shirt and trousers, but to him she’d always be the most beautiful woman in the world. 

 

“You know … the Dark Lord wishes for a spy in the Order”, he said quiet. “We could use that. But you have to realize that it'll be dangerous. Blocking memories of you, when he’s in my mind, reading me … Blocking my thoughts of fighting him for you. I might not come back, whenever I go to him.”

 

Lil warmed her hands on the hot mug of herbal tea. Slowly she began to realize what just happened. Severus loved her, really did. And all it took to turn him into a good person, away from the Dark Lord, was her presence? If only she knew before, maybe she could have stopped him getting marked in the first place. But now she sat here and had to think about the future. No bliss of the new found love, a few months in heaven before reality came crushing in. They would not get this perfect moment of forgetting the world around them but had to face the facts from the first day on, danger always just around the corner. 

 

“I … I don’t know, Sev. I don’t know if I could bare the thought of losing you.” It had been different with James. He went to fight for the Order whenever there was a battle to fight and she always stood at his side. She always liked to think of her as a fighter, having a brave man at her side as well. But that had been James. She would have been sad if he died, of course, but she’d never been heart-broken about it. It would not have been the end of her world. But Severus? The slim boy she defended in school, who was always ducked, insecure. Now he suggested risking his life just to be with her? He’s not a child anymore, Lil. He grew up. But the young witch wasn’t sure if she was so happy about it. She wished for him to be safe, hidden somewhere where nothing bad could ever harm him.

 

She took a sip and placed the mug on the sofa table, before laying herself down, her head in his lap. “There is no easy way, right? And what about starting a new life somewhere else? Come on, let’s just run away and be happy.” She begged him, but of course Lily knew that it could never be. She could not sit on a beach somewhere in Asia or Australia while she knew that her friends were fighting for a good cause. And there was no use in sending Severus away to flee on his own. They would end up being separated again, where was the difference? 

 

“One day we will be happy. One day we’ll get what others have. I promise”, Severus said, slowly petting her hair. It was a bit awkward to have her on him. Lily did not seem tense or shy. She acted as if it was the most normal thing in the world to touch him, be close to him, while he did not exactly know what to do. It would take time to get used to all this … couple stuff. If only he knew for sure that they’d have the time. 

 

Lily knew he was lying, knew he could not promise her something he could not foresee. But she smiled up at him anyway. “D’you really wanna do this? Being a spy? Severus, the Order might be able to protect you. You would not fight openly, of course, but they would not find you”, she tried to get as much of an insurance for the future as possible. 

 

“Listen, I know you want to protect me. I would beg you to just let it be and hide, too, if it were the other way around. But their is no way for us to live a normal life until the Dark Lord is beaten. And for that a spy among his followers is the best weapon you could hope for. Who else is there who could do it? No one would believe that Black would come back to his family after openly defying them for all those years. Potter is a pureblood as well, but everybody knew he wanted to marry you. He’s a traitor. Maybe they’d take him if he’d swear that after being dumped by you he realized that m… muggleborns are a plague, but he fought for too long, too. And I’m sure he would not be thrilled to risk his life for our hope to be happy. So it’s either me or nobody, right? You have to say yes. Allow me to fight for our future. I can’t do it against your will, I need to be sure that you support me in my decision.” 

 

Lily sat up again and held him close, the tip of her nose touching his. “I’ll hate me for this. But of course I’ll support you. Just promise me to stay alive, yeah? I ... I want a future, but not without you. Promise me always”, she asked of him before sealing off his mouth with her lips. 

 

She felt him flinch for the fracture of a second and broke the kiss, laughing. “We really have to work on this. You’re like a deer in the head lights when somebody kisses you. Just relax, I won’t hurt you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not sure how the story will go on. I write from chapter to chapter so I'm open to suggestions. Although I have a little idea in my head ....


	7. Conditions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They talk to the only one who could help them.

Dumbledore paced in his office. He was not sure what to make of the couple, sitting at his desk and holding hands. Destroying Riddle was important, and he never said no to an opportunity to do so, no matter the cost. But this was different. He was not sure if he could trust Severus. And even if he did, what would happen if Lily died one day? Did the Death Eater changed sides for good or was his fight for the good cause only based upon the chance to get to his childhood sweetheart? 

 

“What makes you think that I would believe a Death Eater, Severus?”, he asked and while Lily flinched a little, Severus did not move. Calmly he replied: “I am willing to make an unbreakable vow. I will swear that I will only tell the Dark Lord those parts of the Orders plans that the Order wants me to tell him. That I will spy for the Order while acting as if I would spy against it. Is that enough?” 

 

Dumbledore himself had not even thought of asking something like that and Lily did not know what to say. She knew Severus would never betray her, but still, how often he would willingly risk his life made her worry that he would one day risk a little too much. 

 

Finally the old headmaster nodded. “But I want to keep you under observation. You will become a member of our staff and live here in the school.” 

 

“No.” Still Severus was calm, not aggressive, not even angry. “I do this so we will not be separated, so I will not let you do exactly what I am trying to prevent. I will stay with Lily and there is nothing you can do to stop me.” 

 

Dumbledore nodded. “Well, if I understand correctly, Miss Evans does not have a home anymore, now that she is not living with Mister Potter, am I correct? In this case I would suggest that both of you work for me. My only condition is that whatever might happen between the two of you has to stay a secret. We can not be sure that there are no children of Death Eaters in Slytherin or other houses and I do not want to risk my spy because he is seen in fraternisation with the enemy, understood? During school hours only colleagues.” 

 

That was almost too easy and Severus looked at Lily, not knowing what to say. Of course he forgot the most important thing. “What subjects or what positions?”, she asked. They never were trained, so she did not even know if they were qualified to become teachers. 

 

“Horace is about to retire and I would prefer him to have an assistant. I would ask that Severus would do it, as I have something different in mind for you, Miss Evans. The school is still lacking a Defense teacher. Right now I myself have to give classes and I am not exactly happy with the situation. As a member of the Order I know that you are qualified to teach it. Would you do me the honour of taking over?” 

 

It did not take a long time to think about the offer. They both had no money, no job. “No one in the Order can know of Lily and me”, Severus stated. “Why I changed sides must remain a secret among the members as well, until we won for good.” 

 

Albus nodded and held out his hands to the both of them. “Have we come to an agreement?”, he asked and the two shook his hands.


	8. Professor Evans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally they move to Hogwarts.

“Professor Evans.” Lily tried her new name as if it was a pair of new shoes she had to get used to. She sat in Severus’ chambers late at night. The cold, moist dungeon rooms were anything but comfortable in her opinion, but Severus claimed to feel more at home down here than he could ever do in one of the rooms on the higher floors. 

 

Today they both moved to Hogwarts and had each spent trying to make their new rooms look remotely like something one could call home. While Lily had a talent to turn every necessary item into decoration, Severus’ chambers looked bleak. Why was it that every room the Death Eater lived in, always looked like a depression taking physical form? Once they got their first income, Lily swore herself, she would go and buy some stuff to make his room more comfortable. Cushions perhaps, or a nice painting. Something decorative, but not too feminine as this were his place, not hers. 

 

“Are you happy?”, Severus asked, placing his last few books on the shelf, before he turned towards her. 

 

“I won’t be ‘happy’ until we’re safe. But I’m … content for the moment. Aren’t you?” She stepped closer, resting her arms around him. He stiffened once again, still not used to her touch, but it took him only a moment until he could relax his muscles and lean into her embrace. It would be a long way until he’d be ready to take this relationship as far as she had been with James.

 

He kept quiet for a moment, trying to figure out what he really felt. “I don’t know, to be honest. I’m glad we can be together, I love the thought of maybe having a future with you and I really did not want to live in my father’s house anymore. But teaching children? Children hated me when I was a kid myself and I hated them. And being stuck here, under surveillance is not exactly the perfect life I would have wished for, either. And … “ No. He could not tell her that he was panicking inside, when he thought of all the things he had to hide from the Dark Lord whenever his master tried to penetrate Severus’ mind. It would get harder, the more memories they made together. If he told her, Lily would worry about him even more. But worse, he would look weak. A coward. And Severus did not want to be a coward. 

 

“And?”, she asked.

 

“And I’m a bit nervous. Having a girlfriend is a new territory for me”, he replied, not exactly lying. It was one of his concerns as well, that he might screw it up without even noticing his mistakes. What if he hurt her? What if he was a bad lover? _Yeah, right, now I’m really panicking. Thank you, brain._

 

Oh, how he laughed to hear Lily chuckle, even though this time his own insecurity was the reason. “Everyone starts without experience when they find their first love, Sev. We all have to learn. We’ll manage. It’s all about what feels good to you. And if I’m too fast, just tell me. I won’t force you to do something you’re not ready for.” 

 

It should have been his line. Traditionally the boy was the one who was on the edge of asking too much. He let his gaze fall to his feet, but felt Lily inch even closer to him, pressing her lips against his forehead. “Come on. I won’t risk you turning an even darker shade of red, that can’t be good for your blood pressure, can it? Let’s talk business. First day tomorrow. Any idea what you’re about to teach?” 

 

Severus was thankful for the change of topic, but had to shrug. “Slughorn hasn’t given me his schedule yet. I think I first have to watch him teach and just assist in keeping students from blowing up themselves or poisoning their classmates. It’ll take time until he’ll let me teach myself. But that’s okay. How about you?” 

 

“I’ve been thinking about the Patronus charm for the fifth grade. The first years will get a little lecture about the Dark Arts to begin with. Later I’ll start with Expelliarmus. I won’t do it like they did with us, I want them to be ready if them have to defend themselves. The time might come when they have to fight. So …” She shrugged. How did they end up on that topic again? It sucked that whatever they did, they ended up talking about the war that was going on or about to start, depending on who you ask. 

 

Severus caressed her cheek and kissed her softly, for the first time starting their kiss himself. “You’ll be a great teacher, Professor Evans. If anyone can prepare them, it’s you.” 

 

“I just hope you’re right.”


	9. Summoned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dark Lord calling ... *sings*

It had been a week of teaching, when Severus was first summoned by the Dark Lord again. Luckily he had not stopped brewing the potions he was supposed to make. 

 

He had not had the time to tell Lily and Dumbledore where he was going so he just left them a short note that he was off to his first mission, hoping they’d understand what he said, then he left the castle grounds and disapparated to Riddle Manor, where the Dark Lord liked to summon his inner circle. 

 

“Ah, Severus. I see, you got my little message”, Lord Voldemort said, a smirk on his face and his eyes fixed on the left arm of his follower. “I heard that you switched sides?” 

 

The teaching assistant bowed deeply and nodded. “It might seem so, my Lord. But I heard you ask for someone to spy on the Order and took my chance. I am now both in Hogwarts and a member of the Order. But if you wish so, I can take my leave?” 

 

Voldemort frowned, then his smirk got wider. “Oh, my dear Severus, I admit I didn’t think you had it in you. My friends.” Now he turned towards the other Death Eaters. “See our Severus here. He, the one who never had the stomach to torture, the one who never had been able to kill, he is the only one who had the guts to infiltrate Dumbledores petty army of blood traitors and degenerate mudbloods.” 

 

He turned back to the young man. “So, now my friend, tell me how you did it. What did you promise them. How did you make them believe you?” 

 

Shit. Severus had not think about what story to tell. He was supposed to keep Lily safe, to keep their love a secret, but he could not think of anything else to tell. “You might have heard of the Potter Evans wedding, my Lord. It turns out cute little Lily dumped her beloved James because of me. Before we went to Hogwarts, we’ve been friends, you see. Before I learned about mudbloods and traitors. Before Mulciber and Avery opened my eyes. Well, it seems even though I treated her like vermin, as the vermin she is, she fell in love with me. When she came to me, still in her wedding dress, asking me to love her, I thought about your wish for a spy. Turns out, little Lily was eager to get me into the Order and now they trust me, thinking I’m only trying to keep my poor mudblood girlfriend safe from the bad, baaad Death Eaters.” He forced himself to laugh out loud. “It had been pretty easy.” 

 

And then he felt the Dark Lord slip into his mind and hold up his shields around the treasured memory of how much he truly loved Lily, only showing his master the bits that supported his story. 

 

Soon it was over and Voldemort nodded, content with what he’d seen. “Very well, a good strategy. You do realize that you have to keep up the facade of loving that girl. Keep her happy, so that she won’t get suspicious. But don’t forget to use birth control. I don’t want you to end up with a worthless halfblood child.” 

It took all his strength not to blush. “Understood, my Lord. But I have to get back soon. I’m not sure if Dumbledore trusts me already. I’ll keep you informed of everything the Order plans.” He bowed again and when Voldemort nodded, he turned to leave, bumping into a young man. 

 

He frowned. “Black! You’re Sirius’ younger brother, right? But you should be asleep in the Slytherin dorm, as far as I remember. Five points from Slytherin. Being a Death Eater is no reason to break school rules. And you’re an idiot to leave school for coming here. I will see you in class on Monday and don’t let me find you sneaking out at night ever again.” 

 

With that he left, leaving Regulus staring back at his new teacher.


	10. Talking and breeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Severus has to confess what he did.

Severus found Lily pacing in her office and just made a gesture to follow him. He took her straight to the headmaster’s rooms. “Kinder Ue …. Uiii … Damn him and his faible for muggle sweets.” 

 

“Kinder Überraschung”, Lily helped him and could not help but chuckle, even though she’d been worried about him and still was worried why he took her here. Finally the stone figure let them went into the office. 

 

“Well, now that I have both of you together”, Severus began without salutation. “I think I just screwed up. The Dark Lord wanted to know how I got into the Order and I had to tell him something believable. I … I had to tell him. I could not think of anything else but a story about how much Lily loves me and that I fake to love her to get your trust. He knows about us now. Not … not that I really … That I DO love you, Lils. But if he thinks that my position as spy is no longer useful, you’re in grave danger. Until then nobody will hurt you, you’re my alibi, but afterwards you’d be the - sorry - mudblood that disgraced a Death Eater and they’d hunt you down.” 

 

Lily needed a moment to stomach the news, but then she stepped closer. “You did what you had to do. And now we don’t have to hide anymore. In fact we have to openly show our love. Might be nice.” 

 

He nodded and turned towards the headmaster. “And we have at least one Death Eater among our students. Regulus Black was there. We have to keep an eye on him.” 

 

While Severus laid his arms around Lily, Dumbledore contemplated what he just heard. Finally he nodded. “It might be dangerous for Lily one day. But I admit that I had forgotten to create you a good reason to be here myself. Better to stay close to the truth, that might deceive the Dark Lord easier than a lie you have to keep in mind. Wise decision, my boy.” 

 

They left the office and when they finally arrived in Lily’s chambers, she pinched his torso. “You were just gone. I died, worrying about you, Severus”, she complained, before pulling him into a close embrace. “It’ll be this way time and again, right? Every single time I’ll fear I’ll never see you again.” 

 

Severus sighed and patted her back. “I warned you. I told you this would happen. Believe me, I’d change it if I could. But now … we have the Dark Lord’s blessing. Usually you’d have to be pure blood and rich to get his blessing and in that case he’d see you more as a mare ready for breeding.” 

 

She grimaced. “It is disgusting to talk about people this way, Severus. Even if they’re Death Eaters.” 

 

“I know but that’s the way he thinks. If I’m very very unlucky now I qualified for his breeding programme as well. As he thinks I’m just with you because you got me into the Order, he might think that I could use … “ He sighed. “Let’s just say he might find me worthy for breeding now. He praised me in front of his inner circle.” It was a bit ironic, as he was in fact no pureblood and therefore unworthy. But nobody knew… 

 

“You are not going to get a child with any of these lunatics and if I have to slip contraceptive potions into your coffee in the morning”, she growled, pinching him once more. “My boyfriend is no stallion and if anyone were ever to give birth to your child, it’s me. Understood?! 

 

“So possessive”, Severus teased her before his smile vanished into oblivion. “I am not planning on wasting my genes in a maniac’s breeding programme. But … better do it. Slip potions in my food, so that I don’t know it and he won’t find traces of it in my memories. If he were planning on using me this way … I’m not sure how long I can keep up the resistance.” That just sounded wrong. “I mean, he might use tricks if he were to find out that I’m … maybe what he could call to shy. And if I end up being poisoned with Amortentia or under the Imperius curse, I would much rather know it is of no consequence.” 

 

Lily let go of him and brushed her hand through her red mane. “ With you everything has to be planned, every possible loophole has to be filled. I just hope, someday this will be over. I want to have you for my own, I want … children, a house, maybe a pet. A cat or a dog perhaps. I want a garden and laughter and playfulness and …” 

 

Severus silenced her with a kiss. “Someday you’ll get all this. But for now we have our plans. And look at it this way: If we manage to handle the Dark Lord, our relationship and the bunch of school kids we have to teach, raising our own child might feel like taking a walk on a mild summer’s day.” 

 

Lily chuckled. “So is that a yes to having children?” 

 

What was he supposed to say? “If after all this you are still sure you want a child with someone like me, with my background, with … my father’s genes. Sure, I’d be happy to have a child with you. Or two. But not before all this is over. Not before I know that nobody will hunt our kids down.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a lot of talking and not much action. I'm so sorry. I think I suck at writing action but I'll try to get better along the way.


	11. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's always somebody listening in, isn't there?

A dark figure sneaked through the corridor. Slowly quiet footsteps came closer to a wooden door, until finally a ear was pressed against it. 

 

Regulus frowned, unsure what to make of what he heard. It might be Snape keeping up his disguise. But maybe, just maybe, Regulus might have found an ally. He’d have to wait and see.


	12. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's getting on ...

The days went by slowly, October coming to an end. It had been quiet in their lives, only few things to report to the Order or the Dark Lord. Dumbledore had decided to fake an attack on a known Death Eater so that Severus could relay the plan to his old master, gaining worth as a spy. Thankfully no one had been hurt. When the members of the Order ran into an ambush knowingly, they just fled. 

 

The other way around he had helped saving a squib and her muggle husband from being slayed, just because her father was a high ranking official in the ministry, working on inclusion of muggleborns. 

 

Living in Hogwarts and especially teaching did not came easily to Severus while Lily lightened up with her new task. He had to admit that he loved hearing her talk about how bright those young witches and wizards were - an opinion he could not really second. But his opinion did not matter when he saw the wide smile on her lips, the gleaming green eyes. All he cared about was Lily having the time of her life and forgetting all the trouble they actually were in. 

 

On days like this when Lily was bursting with energy they finally got their little bubble of happiness, neither of them caring about anything outside their rooms. Finally Severus got used to kissing her, holding her. 

 

This evening had been cold, winter already knocking on the door, and Severus had lit the fire in the fireplace - he was proud of being able to do it without house elf or wand. With a hot chocolate and a warm blanket they sat in front of the fire and after a while he felt Lily’s hand on his leg, resting there. Innocent at first, it became less and less possible to focus when her hand started to crawl upwards. 

 

Dark eyes met green ones, Lily’s face questioning. She did not want to push him too far. But Severus didn’t need an invitation. Sure, he was nervous, but he’d fantasized about this moment for at least four years now.   
Without saying a word he took her mug and put it away along with his own, before inching closer to her. Lips met lips and he did not even flinch when Lily opened his trousers. 

 

The way her hair smelled, the feeling of her weight against his, her lips all over his skin and the warmth of the fire in the air. For the first time in his life Severus felt at home, truly loved, even if it was all new and awkward and over way too soon. But she did not judge him, but instead taught him even more wonders that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at writing smut, sorry about that.


	13. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both lovers have secrets they have to reveal.

Severus limped down the was to Lily’s room, his cloak heavy with the soaked up water of melted snow. He had been summoned again today and his love had asked him to bring back twigs of fir and holly to decorate her room. When he had to leave the grounds anyway one could use it to kill two birds with one stone, right? He had agreed, but now re regretted it. The box of twigs was heavy not only in his arms but also on his wounded leg. 

 

While he moved through the corridor many paintings turned to see him. Many looked at him with open annoyance and finally Sir Rudibert, an old count of wherever growled at him. “Could you keep the volume down tonight. We might only be dried paint but we’d like to sleep at night.” When Severus moved further without stopping to talk to the painting he could hear the old aristocrat mumble something like “just like rabbits”. Finally he had found his love and already people were criticizing. 

 

He slipped into Lily’s room to hear strange sounds from the bathroom. Dropping the box of Severus forgot about his leg and rushed to find her bent over the toilet, convulsing and violently vomiting.   
“Shit, Lil …”, he started but stopped to just hold her hair back and carress her. “When you feel a little better I’m gonna get you a good tea and something stomach-friendly.” 

 

Lily nodded slowly, not knowing how to tell him what she’d been waiting to tell him for a while now. But even if she wanted to, right now she just couldn’t speak, her lunch making its way up again. 

 

“Can I leave you alone for a second?”, Severus asked and when Lily nodded again, he kissed the back of her head and went out of her chambers, but not fast enough for her not to turn for a second and notice his limp. 

 

When he came back, carrying herbal tea and pretzel sticks, she looked up at him. “What happened?”, Lily asked, her voice full of worry and sympathy. 

 

“I just tripped and fell”, Severus lied, but Lily knew him better than that. She did not buy it that easily. 

 

“It was him, wasn’t it? He tortured you.” 

 

“Lily, it doesn’t matter. Your health is more important. Let me care for you”, Severus begged, but Lily, feeling a bit better now that her stomach was empty, got up from the bathroom floor and stared at him. 

 

“Severus Tobias Snape, tell me at once what has happened. We agreed to be in this together, you said that I should support you. To do that, you have to tell me exactly what has happened.” He loved it, when she was fierce, but prefered to be a neutral spectator instead of being in the focus of her attention.

 

“You’re right, okay”, he surrendered. “The Dark Lord tortured me. He thought, I’m not useful enough as a spy and he used Cruciatus. And … well, I fell down and my leg found it funny to fall down with me in an angle that was not that healthy.” 

 

Lily closed her eyes and drew a deep breath to calm herself down. “And I’m about to make your day even worse. I’m so sorry, my darling. I … I’m not sick. I’m … pregnant.”


	14. Flesh and blood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Difficult choices ahead - again

“Shit”, was all Severus could say at first, over and over again. He turned to violently kick the box of twigs he had dropped earlier, though he flinched just a second later as he had used his already injured leg. 

Lily took a step back, looking at him in horror, but the teaching assistant saw his love’s reaction and stopped immediately. “Oh. Oh, shit, Lil, I didn’t mean … I just … I flipped. Sorry. I didn’t mean to threaten you, I could never do anything to harm you. I just …. We screwed up. The timing sucks. If he hears of this, I’m dead.” 

The red haired witch grew pale. Severus was right, of course, but what was the alternative? “Do you want me to get rid of it?”, she asked, her voice as cold as ice while her eyes reminded him of fire, scorching him. This woman knew how to make him suffer without harming him at all. 

“It's my child. My first, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood and a part of you at the same time”, the Death Eater said, his voice strained by pain. “It's life is of more worth to me than my own. We can try to keep it a secret as long as possible. Maybe we’ll find a way. But we will not, under any circumstances, kill it. Or at least not if you don't want that, but I don't. I … I want that baby.” 

In Lily’s head it was already working. “I’ll give birth in summer. There have to be clothes that can disguise the belly, I mean, there are invisibility cloaks, there has to be something for the pregnant but vain women of the world. So when we come back for the next year nobody will know that it's my child. It could be my sister’s, because she’s sick and I have to take care of my niece or nephew.” That would mean that their child might have to grow up without calling them Mum or Dad, but what other choice did they have? She wouldn’t want to have an abortion either. 

Severus suppressed a sigh. Once again they were nothing like a normal couple. It seemed to be their destiny to do everything differently than they were supposed to. “It’s the only way, isn’t it? The only way to have that little boy or girl in our life. To be a family.” He inched closer, hoping she would not be afraid of him anymore. Finally his hand found her belly and caressed it with tender care. “Hey, little person. Your daddy loves you. Maybe someday he can show you, too”, he said, his eyes finding Lily’s. 

“Okay, Daddy, now get your pretty ass down on a chair so I can take care of your leg. At least, if little him or her doesn’t want to make another detour to look at our beautiful bathroom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. Right now it's the first time I've been out of bed in 8 days. A simple cold is trying to kill me. No, not exactly trying to KILL, but I once had the swine flu and this is worse, so it might take time to write more. 
> 
> Have a nice christmas :)


	15. Interlude 2

Once again Regulus listened to the couple and nodded to himself. Now he was sure that he had found somebody he might trust. That Severus was just as much a Death Eater as he himself was. He just had to find the right time to speak to the teaching assistant. And to survive long enough. He definitely had to practice his occlumency! 

The youngest Black turned to go, deep in thought. Finally he had found a partner to kill the Dark Lord.


	16. Tension and relief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Reference to past child abuse.

They stayed in school for christmas, so that neither Lily nor Severus had to cook to get a special christmas dinner. It would not have made sense, making a festive meal just for two people. But getting into the holiday mood was not easy to achieve. Though the sickness didn’t return, it was way too early for the real morning sickness to kick in, it was hard not to think about the future. About how to keep the pregnancy a secret, about how to start a new life while still keeping up the old one. 

And the life as a couple was not all sunshine and cotton candy either. When Lily had to be honest, Severus got a little too protective, basically freaking out when she made a trip to London to shop for gifts without telling him. So two days before christmas they ended up staring at each other, angry and hurt. Again.

“What if a Death Eater would see you? Lily, you’re known, they all know where your loyalties lie. They would kill you without thinking twice.” Severus had a hard time keeping his temper under control. She’d always been careless, even as a schoolgirl, but now she had the responsibility to keep herself safe for the child as well. 

She sighed, feeling annoyed by the constant arguments they were having about every little detail of their life. “First of all, I fought them in the past and I would do so now. I’m not a weak, little trophy wife, Severus. I’m a member of the order, I was taught to fight by aurors, Mad-Eye, Frank and Alice, … I can take care of myself. But second, and this is way more important, they can’t harm me. Right now we could get caught making out in the main hall of Gringotts and they would not do anything. I am your way into the Order, I am what makes you an important weapon for You-know-who. _I am_ the safest person on this planet at the moment. They need you and therefore they need me. If I die, the Order has no reason to trust you anymore. They might not kick you out, but you’d have a hard time there. And you would might lose your cover, because they would assume you’d avenge my death, fighting the Death Eaters with all you have to give. 

“And if they harm me, the same applies. You’d have to react in a way the Order would believe. It would endanger your position, would be a risk to the Dark Lord.” When had she started to use the same name as the Death Eaters? “I am in no danger at all, Severus. Right now you really don’t have to worry about me. We could go out and enjoy christmas time and all they would do is think me naive to go for a walk when the war is about to start. We should not overuse our privilege, but we don’t have to hide away for the rest of eternity either.”

Severus had listened, but his face had showed that he was not exactly thrilled to be proven wrong, to get a lecture by the woman he wanted to protect. He wanted to be the one caring for his family. The rock in her life. But right now she was the rock, the one who was right and who knew how to proceed. It was just like when they were teenager. 

As kids Lily had always admired him, because he was the one to tell her about this strange new world full of magic and wizards but once she had become part of this world their roles had changed. She had been the one to take the lead, to make them see each other though there were whole worlds trying to keep them apart. She had been the one standing up to her other friends to meet him. Standing up to _his_ friends, too. She had taken way too many risks for his liking, but by now he was pretty sure that she’d been the one keeping their friendship not only going but getting deeper and deeper for so long. She’d always cared for him, had always been both more rational and braver than him. 

Maybe that had been the reason why she ended it? He had done nothing to help her keep up their friendship. Had never shown her how much he appreciated being with her. Oh, he had made clear that he liked her, loved her, at least that was what he thought, but at the same time he had been shy, secretive, unsure of how to approach her. Every hug had made him stiffen with tension, not knowing if he was allowed to hold her a little longer, always caught between wanting to tell her how much he loved her and not wanting to lose her, so that he ended up doing nothing. Maybe she’d never noticed that he had not only been drowning in depression if it had not been for her, but that he truly cherished her being his friend? 

“Merlin’s underpants!”, he swore. “I’m a bloody coward.” 

Lily frowned. “Well, you’re trying to keep me safe. I appreciate it, really. I mean … that’s what you do with people you love, right?” She sounded unsure, speaking slowly and with caution. “It’s just that you might loosen it up a bit? And maybe trust me when I tell you that I will not jump headlong into danger?” 

But the Death Eater shook his head. “No, it’s not just that. It’s ...all of this. All of our time. I’m doing it again. Once again you’re this … natural force, keeping us together, doing all the thinking for us, taking the initiative, while I’m the one always criticising, seeing danger waiting around every single corner. I make things harder than they have to be. Again! I let you do all this relationship work and … Shit. I’m sorry, Lils. I really am. I want to be the best man you can get, always wanted to be and I’m so cautious and insecure that I screw up again and again.” He buried his face in his hands, only looking up when she was there, stroking his long black hair. 

“Severus Snape, you are one huge idiot. I don’t want you to become the next James Potter. I don’t want you to take unnecessary risks. I love you for who you are. I loved this shy, skinny boy who always tried to duck away so that no one could come close enough to hurt him and I love the man who’s doing his best to keep the one thing he has as safe as possible because he can’t stand the thought of losing it. I know you, I’ve known you since we were kids. I’ve seen you lose your mum, I’ve known how your dad treated you, no matter how hard you tried to hide it.” And for a few months now she’d known so much more. Had noticed how he twitched whenever her hand brushed his butt when they made love. How he’d seem to need some time to get back at it, while trying to hide whatever was going through his head. It had gotten better, but still Lily had no difficulties to figure out why he would act like this only when she touched him there while she could caress and kiss every inch of his front side as much and long as she wanted without him doing anything else but indulge in the soft touches. 

“I know you thought that no one could ever love you. You were like … a starving man, feeding on what little attention and love you could get while being full of fear that you could lose it if you made a mistake. Oh, don’t look at me like that, I’m not trying to insult you, silly. I’m saying I know that this is hard. Everything is new and … maybe you can’t truly believe that I love you. Maybe you’re just trying to stay asleep so that the dream won’t end. But I’ve always loved you and this is not a dream. Open your eyes and I’ll still be there. You can live a little, loosen up and let go every once in a while. I won’t run away, I won’t stop loving you and I most definitely won’t die, just because you let me go for a walk. But next time … I would very much like you to join me.” 

He didn’t know what to make of all of this. Didn’t really know how to behave, but still Severus nodded and caught her in his arms. Too many emotions were fighting inside him, too many wounds still raw and open. And it was hard to learn that she knew, that she’d seen both how badly his father treated him, and how his soul was left bleeding in the process. Saw him cling to every little sign of affection while being unable to reciprocate, too scared to make a mistake, but also too scared to look weak. 

And suddenly all those years, all those scars came crushing on him again. He tried to hide the tears in his eyes, wanted to escape to the bathroom, so she would not notice, but once again he underestimated her insight. Lily pulled him close to her. “Just let it out, love. I’m here for you, it’s okay to cry. Believe me, you’ll see me cry a lot in the next months and I won’t even have a good reason.” Her lips twitched but she immediately got serious again. “I’m your partner, you can rely on me and don’t have to hide. I won’t think less of you, just because you need a good cry.” 

And so he hid his face in her clothes, crying until he had no more tears to spent, crying for all the years of pain, of being rejected by everyone - including her in the end. For the first time since he’d been a baby he could cry without anyone hitting him, because boys should not cry. Without a naked body pressing close to his backside, stinking from alcohol, taking him, making silent tears stream down his face, again. For the first time in his life someone was there for him, to cradle him and give him strength. And even though he cried and couldn’t stop for a long time, even though all this memories came up again, he felt peace creeping up through his veins, too. A bittersweet relief while a lot of emotional baggage dropped from him, maybe not forever, maybe he had to deal with it again. But this moment? For the first time, he felt free. For the first time he did not hate himself anymore.


	17. Christmas market

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loosens up a bit, just as she requested
> 
> Tooth-rottening fluff, you have been warned.

The day before Christmas Eve Severus agreed to accompany Lily to the Hogsmeade Christmas market. Not because he really wanted to see all the booths or drink mulled wine, but because he wanted to feel like a normal human being for once. Not caged inside the castle, but free to enjoy the little things. And yes, if he had to be honest, it was out of protectiveness as well. Lily wanted to go and while he did not want to start a fight like yesterday, he did not want her to go on her own either - even though the streets would be full of Hogwarts students and teachers. 

Dressed with gloves and scarves they walked down the road leading away from the castle and down to the village. For the first time Lily took his hand in public, making some of the students stare at them. Severus didn’t care. He had to find the perfect line between appearing to fake loving Lily for the Death Eaters while not looking to much in love either, so that the cover would not be lost, but he enjoyed himself, openly showing affection for her. 

And Lily smiled brighter than the sun, even though her love once asked her to dim the smile a little. “People might think I really make you happy because I want to”, he had said, but Lily had only stolen a little kiss - making a couple of third years gasp - and went along, saying: “Or, that you are really really good in what you have to do.”

With that she had let go of his hand and hopped down the road like a little girl playfully. Severus shook his head and had to hide a little smile. “And this woman is a professor, for the love of Merlin’s dirty boxers!”, he said to himself but was heard by a pair of Hufflepuffs who bursted into giggling. 

Sev found Lily a few minutes later with a hot chocolate in her hand in front of a booth. “And what about me?”, he asked cocky and so she pulled her other hand out from behind her back and gave him a mug. “Without alcohol, sorry. I just thought that it's a little too early. And … “ She smirked a little and Severus understood. Lily could not drink alcohol any longer and maybe she’d miss it if he drank? “I’m not that much into alcohol, so that's better anyway”, he said and took a sip. The beverage warmed him from the inside and his lips twitched. If there was anything that could make him happy - besides Lily of course - it was chocolate. The most luxurious thing in his childhood.

“Okay, so what d’you want to do today. I mean, exactly. Any plans, any wishes?”, he asked, holding his mug close to his face so that it kept him warm even when he didn’t take any sips. Lily thought for a moment and shrugged. “Don’t know. I heard there was an ice rink and I’d love to go ice skating but besides that I didn’t plan anything. Just …” 

She was interrupted by a snowball hitting her back and she turned around to see a few Gryffindors magically throwing balls at each other. “Okay, now I have a plan. Drink up and we two show the kids how it’s done.” Severus wanted to object. How would it look like when Hogwarts professors ended up in a snowball fight with their students, but obviously nobody else cared. Pomona who had taken a hit by a stray snowball, too, was already collecting munition. 

With a sigh he took another sip, slowly emptying his beverage and then Severus began to form snowballs as well. 

Fifteen minutes later the Gryffindors, who got help by a few Hufflepuffs, too, surrendered. Severus, Lily, Pomona, Filch and in the end even Dumbledore were too skilled in their magic to be beaten. But that didn’t change the fact that the black hair and coat were full of snow. “You look wonderful in the snow”, Lily said, shaking her hair to get rid of the snow herself, before letting her hand glide through his dark strands. Playfully she combed out all the white, leaving a wet mess of black on his head. 

“So do you”, he replied but Lily shook her head. “No, I just look like every other human being. But you … Snow really suits you. That contrast between black and white. With that little red tip of your now because you’re too proud to tell me that you’re freezing again. You look truly beautiful. The most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.” 

Severus turned his head away from her, mumbling something about not wanting to cry in front of students and Lily laughed so hard it almost made his heart explode with all the happiness he was feeling. 

“Okay, come on, big boy. Time to get you warm until making you freeze once more on the ice rink”, she said, taking his hand and dragging him along to Honeyduke’s too spend more money on sweets than he ever thought he would have. 

When Severus’ nose had changed back to its normal colour they made their way over to the rink and pulled on the skates. Severus had never skated before but he was a fast learner and soon they were rather dancing on the ice, along with the music that was played on a magical grammophone. 

They had not noticed that they ended up in each others arms. And surely they didn’t notice students and teachers alike staring at them. All they noticed was that even the ice didn’t feel so cold anymore once they were kissing. Right there, openly, in front of the whole world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wanted to write all this while I was in christmas mood. But I have been ill for almost five weeks and most of the time couldn't even leave the bed so this is a very belated christmas fluff chapter.   
> I planned on writing christmas itself, too. But now I have to see if I get back in the mood or if I just switch back to action mode ;)


End file.
